The Curse of Official Language
2024
Back in high school, overachieving busybody that I was, I volunteered to create a fun informational video about how to avoid 'official language' in academic writing.
The result was a short where a boy had to perform emergency amateur surgery on the inflated syntax and tumorous vocabulary eating away at his friend's innards. While hilarious, it would never in a million years help a student learn to write better.
A little while ago, I felt compelled to correct my mistake, and wrote this entirely different script.
All characters played by me.
Opening scene. Narrator sits behind desk in Gendo Ikari pose, silhouetted and dark.
N: (Twilight Zone voice) “There is a serious ailment afflicting today’s students. An ailment that goes unnoticed and unchallenged, making their essays long, confusing, and exhausting to read. This disease must not be allowed to fester in the shadows. It must be named… It is the curse of Official Language!”
Lightning and thunder.
Cut to perky and friendly Narrator in front of a whiteboard in normal lighting. Whiteboard says “Official Language”.
N: (90s training video voice) “But what is Official Language? Well, I’m glad you asked! Think about it this way. I’ll bet ever since you started going to school, you’ve had teachers tell you to write more academically.”
Classroom with student and stern teacher.
T: “You need to write more academically.”
Cut back.
N: “You’ve been told you need to use proper English.”
Different classroom with student and different stern teacher.
T: “You need to use proper English.”
Cut back.
N: “You might start to worry that your essays don’t sound smart enough. So instead of just writing what you think, you run it through a filter to make it sound more ‘official.’”
Zoom right into Narrator’s head. We now see mental bedroom with writing desk. Writer finishes writing.
W: “Alright, I’m done!”
CU on page, as Writer reads it out loud.
W: “You probably think the ancient Egyptians just really liked cats. But it’s more than that. The cats were the ones in charge the whole time!”
Cut back to room. Wider shot now shows us Editor, dressed as a pretentious academic, right next to Writer.
E: (Oxford accent) “Are you joking? Hand me that page at once, you ignorant rube.”
Editor snatches paper.
E: “This is nowhere near the superlative quality our academic performance requires! I’ll fix it. Wait right here.”
E hurries offscreen. Cartoon construction noises are heard. E comes back, cheeks stained with ink, winded.
E: “Whew! There we go. I’ve saved your rubbish and made it a masterpiece.”
CU on page, as Editor reads it out loud.
E: “Although you likely believe that those in ancient Egypt held a particular fondness for animals such as cats, the truth is in reality that the Egyptians rulers were in fact cats themselves.”
Cut back.
W: “Wow! Thanks, buddy! Where would I be without you?”
Video shrinks a little, to reveal Narrator at the margin, in front of the whiteboard. Narrator addresses characters within mini-video.
N: “No! That’s wrong! You haven’t improved it at all! Can’t you see it’s just long and confusing now?”
E: (splutters) “I – y – I say, sir! I have a degree from Oxford!”
E holds up a crude cardboard diploma.
W: (to Narrator) “Hey! You’re right!!” (angrily to Editor) “You’re no help at all!”
Whole picture cuts to a view out the door. Editor stands outside, having been kicked out. His duffel bag is thrown after him.
E: “But – Oxford!”
Door slams.
Back to the picture-in-picture thing. Writer returns to the desk.
W: “Whew! Thanks for the tip, narrator guy!”
N: “Certainly! You should always write plainly in your own voice. No need to puff it up.”
W: “Cool! So my first draft was already perfect?”
Writer pulls out a different page. CU on page as Writer reads.
W: “I bet y’all think the Egyptians were just super into cats and stuff, but no way dude! Those cats were the top dogs over there!”
Cut back. Narrator cringes, searching for words.
N: “...Okay, I kind of take it back.”
W: “What’s wrong?”
N: “I guess there are some edits you should make to help your writing sound professional.”
Knock at the door.
Doorway shot again. Writer opens the door. Editor has removed his tweed coat or whatever, looking more modest. He stands formally.
E: “I have learned humility! I apologize for my arrogance and beg you to give me a second chance!”
Editor bows stiffly.
W: “Um… okay, sure. Show me what you’ve got.”
Cut back. Writer and Editor return to the desk, and look at the page together.
CU on the page – the draft we saw first of all:
You probably think the ancient Egyptians just really liked cats. But actually, cats were the ones in charge the whole time!
Editor makes edits as the two speak.
E: “I think it’ll be more polite if we don’t tell the viewer what they think. We can say ‘Most people think’. And… ‘just really liked cats’ sounds very casual, so how about, they ‘simply…’ Uh…”
W: “‘simply liked cats a lot’?”
E: “Sure! Excellent! And I think saying they were ‘the ones in charge’ is kind of vague, we can be more precise about it.”
W: “What about, like, ‘cats were the rulers the whole time’?”
E: “How about, ‘cats were the rulers of Egypt’? And that’s all. And we should skip the exclamation mark.”
W: “Okay, cool.”
E: “Oh, and now I feel like the ‘actually’ should go after ‘cats were’. That’s a smoother flow.”
Video fast-forwards as Editor moves the paper up and writes the new paragraph below.
Most people think the ancient Egyptians simply liked cats a lot. But cats were actually the rulers of Egypt.
Cut back.
W: “You really think this is good? It doesn’t sound… dumb?”
E: “Well, I only have one question.”
W: “Yeah?”
E: “Where did you find this information?”
W: “It was on the Ancient Aliens channel! You’ve got to check it out!”
Narrator nods in satisfaction.
Back to spooky beginning shot.
N: “And so, our enemy is thwarted… for now. But students must remain ever vigilant… ever wary… for the threat of Official Language. It is impossible to surmise with any accuracy at what point a fiendish affliction such as — gah!!” (clutches throat) “It has me! It has me, children! Save yourselves!”
FIN